If you’re going to put peanut butter up your nose, make sure it’s not the crunchy kind. That shit hurts!
It started innocently enough.
I commanded to The Husband that it was bedtime for us. He then makes his way into the kitchen where I gave him a hard time for making himself something to eat. He was spreading peanut butter on a slice of bread. It’s the good kind, too. The freshly ground at the store organic peanut butter.
He mouthed off. About what I don’t think is important.
So I pinched his titty. I gave him a titty twister. A hard one, too. I hadn’t done it in a while so I think I was trying to make up for lost time.
He whined about it, of course, saying I mortally wounded him or something like that. I wasn’t paying attention because I was trying to sneak a bite of his peanut butter bread slice.
That’s when it happened.
I saw it coming. I really did. But I didn’t move fast enough.
He smashed the bread into my face. For pay back for his titty twister.
What did I do? I stood there laughing my ass off.
What did he do? The Husband stood there laughing his ass off at me.
I finally peeled the bread off and handed it back to him. My lip and nose were covered. My nostrils were filled. He could have farted the worst far ever right then I would not have smelled a damn thing except peanut butter.
Then, I made the mistake of trying to breath.
Let me tell you something. Peanut butter can clog a nostril faster than an unwatched toddler can clog a toilet.
And that shit burns! Especially the crunching kind!
Washing it out of my nose was not pleasant, either. I think my nostril is still bruised and scraped today.
After we settled into bed and The Husband was beginning to snore, I kicked him awake.
“Wah?” he said groggily.
“Smell my nose.”
Sniff (Yes, he actually smelled it.)
“It smells like nose to me.”
“It smells like nose? Not peanut butter?”
“What does nose smell like? How the hell do you know what nose smells like?”
“It smells like nose. I smell it all day long.”
“No, hun, that’s your upper lip that you smell all day long.”
Then he says: “Well, then your nose smells like your upper lip.”
“But my upper lip smells like peanut butter.”
“Yeah. I know!” Snicker, snicker
Ever had something up your nose that didn't belong? How did it get there?