It's not always pretty, but it gets the job done.

It's not always pretty, but it gets the job done.

Need to tame a fly hair? Mom spit. Crumbs stuck to face from recent snack? Mom spit. Fix a squeaky door hinge or glue a toy piece back on with it. It's powerful stuff, that mom spit. It can even show how much you care.







Thursday, July 7, 2011

Peanut butter stings.

If you’re going to put peanut butter up your nose, make sure it’s not the crunchy kind. That shit hurts!

It started innocently enough.

I commanded to The Husband that it was bedtime for us. He then makes his way into the kitchen where I gave him a hard time for making himself something to eat. He was spreading peanut butter on a slice of bread. It’s the good kind, too. The freshly ground at the store organic peanut butter.



He mouthed off. About what I don’t think is important.

So I pinched his titty. I gave him a titty twister. A hard one, too. I hadn’t done it in a while so I think I was trying to make up for lost time.

He whined about it, of course, saying I mortally wounded him or something like that. I wasn’t paying attention because I was trying to sneak a bite of his peanut butter bread slice.

That’s when it happened.

I saw it coming. I really did. But I didn’t move fast enough.

He smashed the bread into my face. For pay back for his titty twister.

What did I do? I stood there laughing my ass off.

What did he do? The Husband stood there laughing his ass off at me.

I finally peeled the bread off and handed it back to him. My lip and nose were covered. My nostrils were filled. He could have farted the worst far ever right then I would not have smelled a damn thing except peanut butter.

Then, I made the mistake of trying to breath.

Let me tell you something. Peanut butter can clog a nostril faster than an unwatched toddler can clog a toilet.

And that shit burns! Especially the crunching kind!

Washing it out of my nose was not pleasant, either. I think my nostril is still bruised and scraped today.

After we settled into bed and The Husband was beginning to snore, I kicked him awake.

“Wah?” he said groggily.
“Smell my nose.”

“What?”

“SMELL.My.Nose.”

Sniff (Yes, he actually smelled it.)

“It smells like nose to me.”

“It smells like nose? Not peanut butter?”

“Yeah.”

“What does nose smell like? How the hell do you know what nose smells like?”

“It smells like nose. I smell it all day long.”

“No, hun, that’s your upper lip that you smell all day long.”

“Oh.”

Long silence.

Then he says: “Well, then your nose smells like your upper lip.”

“But my upper lip smells like peanut butter.”

“Yeah. I know!” Snicker, snicker

Ever had something up your nose that didn't belong? How did it get there?

4 comments:

  1. Ouch. That does sound painful. Pretty funny though. I love those kitchen wars, as I call them. Ha, ha!

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  2. Oh my gosh! This totally cracked me up! This whole situation sounds just like me and my husband. Once he's was being a jerk and teasing me relentlessly. I grabbed a can of biscuts, opened them up and chunked one at him. It started the great battle of biscuit dough. Funniest day of our marriage I swear HAHA! We both were bruised and I STILL find little pieces of random dough in my carpet.

    Sorry about your nose though! :)

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  3. FUNNAY!!!
    This is good to know... crunchy is my fav.

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  4. Oh my gosh, Krista!!!! This is hilarious!!! After reading this post and your flip off Friday post, I'm beginning to get an idea of what it's like around your house. ;o) I love it!!! You gotta keep making it fun...otherwise you're gonna go crazy!

    ReplyDelete

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