It's not always pretty, but it gets the job done.

It's not always pretty, but it gets the job done.

Need to tame a fly hair? Mom spit. Crumbs stuck to face from recent snack? Mom spit. Fix a squeaky door hinge or glue a toy piece back on with it. It's powerful stuff, that mom spit. It can even show how much you care.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Take a bath

There's a sign hung up in my bathroom, bought just a few short months after we had moved into our house.  I was 9 months pregnant or maybe I was a few weeks or months post given birth to our beautiful daughter.  We were still unpacking and our master bathroom, glorious as it was in all it's hugeness (compared to the the compact one sink, no counter, 1 person shower we had before), felt a little empty.  I longed for a quote to inspire me.  I'm obsessed with quotes.  But that's a topic for another time.

Back to the sign - I saw it at a craft store, most likely, and it was the only one they had and it was the right colors to match our bathroom and it was a quote fitting for a bathroom with a gloriously  huge tub.  I had to have it our I would regret it for the rest of my life, or so I told my husband.

"When in doubt, take a bath." - Mae West

This is what it said.  I thought it absolutely sublime.  The look in my husbands eyes spoke of less certainty than I on the matter.  It still went up.

It wasn't until now, almost 5 years later, that the sign's meaning has developed a deeper meaning for me.  At the time it was whimsical and somewhat glamorous to me to have it up.  After all, I love taking baths - a thing my husband has long since commenting on his amazement about.  He has never truly grasped why the perfect evening for me is soaking in a bubble filled tub, with a cold soda or hot tea beside, a good book, some soft music playing and time.  I've been known to stay in a hot bath for over an hour.  I may be ashamed to admit how much time I've actually soaked in a bath before.  It is glorious.  (I seem to be obsessed with that word currently, but all other descriptions escape me and honestly it is the best absolute description I could use.)

I'm not sure I can fully explain the new found awareness of the significance of the quote without first explaining my day.

It started off as any other Saturday starts - the little one crawling in to bed with us at 7 am sharp, and since we prefer to get in a few more moments of sleep, her playing on her iPad.  Every weekend, though, I lie to myself that I will be able to sleep while this occurs and every weekend I get nothing but minutes of fitful half rest that does nothing but make me uncomfortable and no longer feeling rested.

Eventually, the rest of the household got up and heart shaped waffles were made.  It was Valentines Day after all.  We gave the little one her not so little giant bear and a joke book - a thing she's really trying to get into now.  We discussed with my parents potential plans for the day and the suggestion of going to the local nature preserve, the Heard Museum, came up.  Excellent idea, we all agreed!  We even managed to get J's "boyfriend", O, to join us there.

We then went for excellent burgers, where we discussed what would be the burger that best represented us as a person if that's all we could use to describe us.  Mine was a turkey burger with avocado, grilled onions, crispy and cold iceberg lettuce, shredded, feta cheese, on a buttered and toasted wheat bun with miracle whip on it.  The hubby's was a bacon mushroom swiss burger.

Then we went to the local FroYo bar and enjoyed a special treat as we discussed whether or not to go to the local minor league hockey game that evening, a pass time O's parents had introduced us to.  The tickets were bought and we headed home.

Once we got home, the consensus was for all to take a nap before getting up to get ready for the hockey game.

Overall a pretty satisfying day so far.  But then we took naps.  I hate naps.  I hate them almost as much as my 4 year does.  I fought it as long as I could up until my little one woke up from hers and came into the bed with us to play on her iPad.  I then drifted off a few times before waking up to realize we had 20 minutes to get ready to leave for the game.

A mad scramble and dash out the door and we made it in time to the game.  It was a good game, we got to see O again, and there was overtime.  But ultimately our team lost.

I was grouchy.  I was grouchy when we woke up from the nap, grouchy rushing, grouchy at the dumb headache from taking the dumb nap, grouchy at the crowd of people, at the food, at the balancing act getting up into the stands, at the refs for making bad calls or not making any at all, grouchy all over.

But see, I was reaching for an excuse.  I didn't really know why I was grouchy.

I took a bath.  I read.  I listened to peaceful music.  I sat in a moment of peace, in my moment.  I reflected on the awe of my family and our time together.  I cried a little and I laughed some.  I took a bath and no longer felt in doubt.

I examined my expectations and then focused on my blessings.  I let go and I clung.  

Friday, January 2, 2015

What I DON'T Do

New Year's resolutions are a chance for me to make lists.  I love nothing more than a good list.  If I do things without a list, I make it afterwards and then cross those things off.  I get visibly nervous if I go to a grocery store without a list.

I could delve into some of my past childhood reason's for being list-addicted, but that's probably boring.  Let's just say that I use list to stay efficient and focused.

But New Year's resolutions every year don't bring me the same joy as other list making times.  After so many years of shrugging my sholders at the feeling and moving forth with the perpetual cycle of "This year will be different" mentality of list making, I couldn't even, as they say.  I just couldn't even.  I can't make another list of what I want to do this year, or what I want to do better.  That's because I didn't finish last year's list, or the list before that, and so on.

The root of the non-joy of this list making can be boiled down to this - what I truly, really want to put on there is Do Everything Better.  I mean if I'm honest with myself that's what I am expecting of myself.

The moment I realized this was my true desire was an a-ha moment for me.  Who can really do EVERYTHING, and then to expect for me to do everything BETTER?  What about that DO part as well?  What about Try, or Become, or some other less demanding words?  I have high expectations for myself, which in of itself isn't a bad thing, unless of course those expectations are unrealistic.

And am I really being fair to myself?  I don't expect my husband or daughter or family or friends to DO EVERYTHING BETTER.  I expect they'll learn and grow and that there are some things that they do really well and somethings they don't do well and some things they don't do at all.

We all have to/should make sacrifices for the things that are of most value to us.  To that end, I'm going to make a list of my sacrifices, or Things I DON'T Do, because sacrifice seems like too strong a word for the things I won't do so that I can have more energy and time for the things that are of most value to me - my family and friends.

Things I Don't Do:

1.  I don't keep my dogs off my furniture.  Guests will have to deal with the occasional dog hair.
2.  I don't have to constantly be decorating or improving my house.  If we need reno's done, we'll just have to do it one big swoop.
3.  I don't function on less than 7 hours of sleep.  Early to bed, late to raise is my motto.
4.  I don't have a bazillion blog followers.  My blog is my space to be and if someone stumbles upon it and it helps them, then so be it.
5.  I don't do holiday's lightly.  I love going all out as far as what I have time and money for.
6.  I don't spend every day at the gym.
7.  I don't strive for a size 1, or 5 or even 8 waist.
8.  I don't nag about my husband's hobbies.
9.  I don't throw huge holiday parties for the neighborhood
10.  As much as I love holiday's I don't have a bazillion decorations.  Simple is good, too, sometimes.
11.  I don't buy designer clothes and accessories.  Not my style.
12.  I don't have any side businesses like reselling stuff to friends and family.  Don't have time for it.
13.  I don't have to have a perfect house that's perfectly clean.  I have dogs.  And a 4 year old.  And a husband.
14.  I don't keep my car up to date on all of it's maintanance items.  It get's oil changes fairly regularly, I use supreme gas, and a good cleaning happens every few months, but I'm just not obsessed with it.
15.  I don't come up with brand new recipes.  I use other's recipes and modify if needed.  And, if it takes longer than a few hours, it's not going to happen.
16.  I don't drink wine.  I just don't like the taste.
17.  I don't blog every day.
18.  I don't live in a million dollar home.
19.  I am not a girly girl.
20.  I don't have a perfectly manicured landscape.  I do a little bit of gardening and leave it at that.
21.  I don't have to write a perfectly sculpted post before posting it.

I'm sure there is more but I think this is a good step.  I think it's important to recognize the things we don't need to put our energies to which allows us the space to forgive ourselves for not being who we think we have to be.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Exposing Weirdness

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found." --Pema Chodron

"Your weirdness will make you stronger.  Your vulnerability will connect you to the rest of the suffering world.  Your creativity will set you free.  There is nothing wrong with you." --Andrea Balt

Two of my favorite quotes.  Reminding me that it's okay to be me.  It's okay to be raw and vulnerable, and all the other "faults" I saw/see in myself.  My "faults" are what make me unique and make me strong.  I am strong because of my weaknesses.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014


What does it mean to be happy?  My mother asked me the other day "Krista, are you happy?"  I'm sure the look on my face was quizzical as I replied "yes, of course."  I felt like it was a strange question.  No...not strange.  I was a complicated question.  But how worrisome would it have been had I replied, "It's complicated, mom."?

Why would such a simple question have such a complicated response, though?  Are you happy?  Yes or no.  It should be simple, right?

I am happy.  But I am also sad.  I am angry.  I am curious.  I am joyful.  I am aggravated and frustrated.  I am blessed.  I am enough.  I am...

My tattoo on my left wrist says it all for me, sometimes.  It says "I am..."  People often ask me what it means, and I usually just tell them it means I am who ever I choose to be.  It's a little too complicated to spend more time than that to explain.  Just like the answer to the question "Are you happy?"

I am.  I am happy, but I am more than that.  I am a lot of things.  I am complicated.

What does it mean, though, to be happy.  Because I can say I am happy, but I am not happy, I have happy moments.  I am not sad, but instead have sad moments.  And so on and so forth.

Ultimately I believe it comes down to balance.  I am happy when there is balance.  When the sad and mad and angry and frustrated weight slightly less than the happy and joyful, and blessed, and curious.

I am...balanced.

Are you happy?  No.  But I am balanced.

Friday, December 12, 2014

A Reminder

My dear wonderful husband knows me.  He is also horrible at keeping surprises.  So when this shirt came in the mail that he had ordered for a Christmas present, he opted to just give it to me right away.  I think he knew I needed the strength it would provide.  I wear it as a shield and as a constant reminder:

Hyperbole and a Half is one of my top favorite blogs/online comics/life stories.

And, apparently, I'm a lot like Sarah Anderson, or so the hubby says, in that a lot of the anxieties she draws about are very relateable to many of my own.  I love her humor.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Shall we Recap?

Life moves in waves.  In high school I remember excitedly sharing with my algebra teacher, my mother, my best friend, anyone who I thought would listen, about my theory on sine waves.  I believed they were the secret to understanding the entire universe and life.  Can you say math geek?  But here me out on this.  It's a repetitive up and down wave that is applied to light, sound, and is often a function of time.  It is our perception.  Our perception is in waves.  Our life is our perception.

Life moves in waves.  I'm on a wave that I need the surf board of this blog to ride.  Let me digress and recap the past few years' ups and downs.

We took my daughter to Disney World last February.  The memory of the joy, magic, and amazement in her face will sustain me for a lifetime.

J riding the Dumbo Ride at Disney World.
J and the Husband at the castle in Magic Kingdom.

After two ectopics, I got pregnant and then had a miscarriage.

The husband and I were blessed to go on a trip to St. Kitts.

Proof that I was there!  HA!

After our ATV tour up one of the mountains on the island.

I had emergency surgery on an ectopic, lost that tube and ovary, and ultimately made the decision to clamp off the other side so to end the cycle of ectopics.  I lost my natural fertility.

I got a job 3 minutes from my house and 5 minutes from my daughter's school.

I have to work during the holiday season to support my clients at the new job.
Fortune received shortly after starting the new job.

We added a new dog, a hamster, and a fish to the family.  The solid black hamster is named Snowflake and the white and blue male betta is named Goldie.  My daughter has a since of irony and humor.
This little s%!& likes to go outside the moment we try to go to bed to go bark at the squirrels.

He's cute, right?  He's so cute.

She had to earn $50 from doing chores to get her "Goldfish"

We had to put down Angus, our old man, our first dog as a couple together.  Our 4 year old showed she understood death more than we thought.
Sweet boy will be very missed.

We are financially stable, want for nothing, and are surrounded by people who love us, accept us, and support us.

My mother was recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer at the age of 50.  She had surgery just yesterday to remove the tumor and her centennial lymph nodes.  Staging will come in her appointment next Wednesday.  She's staying at our house while she recovers.  My husband is currently in Houston on business and my step-dad is leaving in the morning to take a load (my parents are truck drivers) to Canada in order to make sure they are meeting minimum requirements for work for their company.

And my daughter is having emotional breakdowns at school and home.

So, waves.  Emotions come in waves, too.  The saying goes that you can choose which wave you ride.  Sometimes those waves are so strong you have no choice but to be swept up in it until the storm passes.

I'm here, though.  This blog is my surf board, my life raft.  Literally and figuratively.  I recently read through old posts and was reminded of the healing nature of it.  And maybe I didn't realize it at the time, but re-reading it brought back those emotions but time has given me the perspective to see that the wave was deep at one point but it came up high again eventually.  I'm holding on and waiting for the next swell in this ocean we call life.  My eyes are watching the light and my ears are open.  Let the waves wash over me.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Quote of the Day

"Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime doubly so."
-Douglas Adams, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy